Quotes to Live by Someecards Funny

By Maxime Lagacé

Maxime is the founder and chief editor of WisdomQuotes. He has been writing and collecting quotes since 2004. He's also into personal development and productivity. Most of all, he's dedicated to help you live a simpler and more peaceful life. Learn more about him on his about page.

Here are 100 of the best funny quotes I could find. The goal? To make you relax, laugh and have a good time. You'll discover quotes by Bill Murray, Tina Fey, Jim Carrey, and more. Enjoy!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

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Don't be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose. Steven Wright

Related quote topics: creativity, attitude, famous, positive

A few quick thoughts on fun and laughing…

Isn't it great when you have a truly good laugh?

Don't you have the impression that time stops and you're 100% in the moment, appreciating it?

With the seriousness and busyness of modern life, it's too easy to forget the importance and benefits of relaxing, chilling and having fun with friends.

Most of us, myself included, are always living the next-thing-next-thing-next-thing, without stopping.

Now,

I invite you to STOP, take a break, and enjoy a funny video or show of one your favorite comedian.

The Best Funny Quotes

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg

It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste. Click to tweet

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I don't understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don't bother no one. Mike Tyson (Source)

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

"Fuck it." That's really the attitude that's keeps a family together. It's not "We love each other!" It's "Fuck it." Louis C.K.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright Click to tweet

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain

Part 2. Funny Quotes That ARE…

Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines

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One-liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers Click to tweet

When nothing is going right, go left. Unknown

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

I'm addicted to placebos. Steven Wright Click to tweet

I'd like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso

Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

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All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music. Jim Carrey (wikipedia.org)

The grass is always greener on the side that's fertilized with bullshit. Unknown

We're not kissing. We're feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing 'k' instead of 'ok'? Unknown

Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating

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My life feels like a test I didn't study for. Unknown Click to tweet

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. Unknown

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown

I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking. Unknown

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. Steven Wright

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker (twitter.com)

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls. Unknown

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. Unknown

My brain has too many tabs open. Unknown

I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes. Unknown

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers (marieclaire.co.uk)

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I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you. Unknown

Is 'ugh' an emotion? Because I fell it all the time. Unknown

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice. Pakalu Papito (Source)

If you are hotter than me it means I'm cooler than you. Pakalu Papito

You're welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it's more unstable than i am. TextsFromLastNight

Related: 7 Reasons Why Laughter Makes You More Productive (lifehack.org)

I don't weigh myself because most scales don't know how heavy all the grudges I'm holding onto are. Matt Bellassai (Source)

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge. Unknown

I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode. Unknown

"Fries or salad?" sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla (Source)

In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla

What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date. Unknown

I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. #FitnessGoals Bill Burr (Source)

Funny Sayings, Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines And Sarcastic Sayings

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You're only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

Related: Fake people and fake friends quotes

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. Unknown

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no. Unknown

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too. Unknown

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis (wikipedia.org)

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis

Funny Quotes: The Conclusion

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin

Let's recap:

• Here are 5 simple benefits of laughter, fun and humor:
  • You'll improve your immune system (1)
  • You'll be more creative and resilient (1)
  • You'll be less stressed (1)
  • You'll feel less pain (1)
  • You'll live longer (1)

Call to action: Read 30 Fun Things to Do at Home (lifehack.org)

or 100 Life Quotes That Will Inspire You

or 100 Positive Quotes That Will Brighten Your Day

Hope you enjoyed these funny quotes and that you laugh (or at least smile) a few times throughout the page.

If you did like the quotes, please share them with a friend today!

What was your favorite line or author? Please tell us in the comment section below!

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Source: https://wisdomquotes.com/funny-quotes/

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